It's not love

There are hands around my neck. They belong to you. The spider lilies will grow at my grave. Don’t plant them there. They already know. You will kill me. It is predetermined. Destined. Planned. Accepted. It is what you must do. Your duty. You will kill me. Perhaps I will kill you. Perhaps you will kill yourself. There isn’t much difference. Your hands are around my neck. They have made a home there. I can’t breathe. But. Your hands are warm. It feels like coming home. You remove your hands. I pray the bruises stay forever. Leave a permanent mark. Show the world your mark. Your ambition. Your intention. You. You. It’s all you. It always will be. You have to kill me. You don’t want to. You have never wanted anything more. I understand. It’s okay. It will be okay. Nothing will ever be okay again. But. That’s okay too. It has to be. There is no other way. Hold my neck. Start of gently. You can do it. I’ll smile for you. Please smile back. Please. For me. It’s my final moments. Show me something beautiful. Your hands are warm. Your hands are cold. I don’t know. Neither do you. It doesn’t matter. They feel comfortable. You feel comfortable. There is a home in this moment. A universe in your struggling expression. You smile. It’s not a smile at all. There is too much pain. Why. Why. Why. This is what you wanted. This is what you promised. You promised me. You would do it. I couldn’t accept anyone else. There is no one else it could be. I would sooner burn the oceans if only to warm you. It has to be you. I would drown myself in the hottest fires over and over again. Just for you. If it would make you look at me. If it would make you see me. It’s not love. Not exactly. But it’s not hatred. It is nothing human. It is something desperate. It is something ugly. It is something that sounds human. Too human. Too human for it to be human. It’s not human. This feeling. It is something else. It is a promise. An oath. A fealty. Loyalty. To me. To you. To yourself. To myself. There is nothing else to it. It is a duty. One you will perform. One I will perform. We have no say in this. We never will. There is no choice. But even if there was. We would choose this. All our choices. Have brought us here. Over all our lifetimes. Together. And apart. It is written in the stars. It is written in the sand. It is written in our bones. It is written in every breath we take. It is written. It is inscribed. It is. it is. it is. it is. This is all it is. there is nothing else it can be. This is what it has to be. There is nothing else. No other choice. Put your hands back. Don’t look so sad. See. Your hands fit perfectly. They are so soft. So is your smile. And so are your tears. I will not deny you your sorrow. It is yours to own. Yours to accept. I will not cry. I am not sad. I have lived. The type of life doesn’t matter. I have lived. But. I have enjoyed it. Even when I haven’t. I have been alive. Despite it all. Because of it all. I have lived. And now I shan’t. But that’s nothing to be sorrowful about. I have lived. So have you. This is not the end. The universe doesn’t end. Neither will you. Neither will I. Neither will we. There is no ending. There is no beginning. There is only us. Forever. You don’t need to cry. It’s not sorrow you’re feeling. It is relief. You are not sorry. You are relieved. You are almost done. You have a lot to do. You will do it all. You are almost there. Then. You can join me. I will wait for you. I will always wait for you. You will always catch up. That’s just how it is. There is nothing else to it. It is simple. It is the most complicated thing in the world. But. It’s so simple. It is you. It is me. There is nothing else. And. Don’t mistake it. It is not love. That does not exist. It is in everything we do. It is all around us. It is what we are made of. It has never touched us. We have never touched it. What this is. Is nothing so limited. You are still crying. That is okay too. Of course it is. Anything is. Everything is. If it’s you. And it is you. Of course it is. There is no one else. You are almost there. Your tears are salty. But not as salty as I expected. You will always surprise me. I smile. I have been smiling. It’s you. I will always smile. Smile back for me. Please. Let it be the last thing I see. Let it embrace me as you have so many times. Over and over again. Your hands feel like home. I can only hope I feel the same to you. My vision is blurring. My breathing has stopped. The darkness is slowly seeping in. It is warm. It is comforting. It is home. It is comfortable. It is home. It is you. It is you. It is you. And. Oh. You are smiling. Brighter than the sun. Brighter than anything in the world. Darker than the night sky. Darker than the darkness taking over. It is all you. The light and the dark. You are it all. It is consuming. It is comforting. You are hungry. Eat me. I will devour you. I will end and you will begin. You will end and I will begin. We are forever. Intertwined. We are one and the same. We are as different as anything could be. A dichotomy. A synonym. We are it all. And that’s all it is now. There is no longer a you. There is no longer a me. There is only us. There is only us. There is only us. That’s all there is. That’s all there ever was. That’s all there will be. So. Don’t be sad. Don’t cry. Don’t laugh. I hear it all. Just smile. Please. Let it be the last thing I see. It is the most beautiful thing there is. I will mirror it. As best as I can. Just for you. For. This is your last moment too isn’t it? There is no me without you. There is no you without me. There is only us. There is nothing else. Your hands feel like home. You feel like home. And as the darkness takes over it all. And as I smile my final smile. And you smile yours. I am finally home. I am finally home. I am finally home. With you.

- C.