You will not survive yourself

And there is merit in it, isn’t there? As time passes and so do you. You watch the waves wash over your feet and recede. Over and over again. You’ve been standing here, forever, you have watched it all happen.  Over and over again. Till you can recognise each wave. Till you have named them all. Till every grain of salt in the ocean knows what you taste like. Till they can all recognise you. They know your name. You know theirs. It’s equal then, isn’t it? Fair. But. Nothing is. and there is nothing you can do. Because you don’t know. You don’t know anything. Not anymore.

Because what can you do when the world is silent? When the wind is nothing more than wind? When the grass doesn’t whisper its secrets to you? There is nothing more than just surviving. But that’s not really true either? Because you did hear it before. You heard the water. You let it become you. You became it. That doesn’t mean nothing. Not yet. Not ever. Not if you don’t let it. There is a language you don’t understand. But you can see it. If you close your eyes. If you let yourself. It exists. You used to understand and now you don’t. Mourn it. You don’t know why. One day the switch flipped. Mourn it. Mourn it. Mourn it. There is nothing else you can do.

It will always be there. Just out of your grasp. It will whisper just far enough that you can hear, but can’t make out the words. This is your punishment. You’re not sure what for yet. But maybe you deserve it. You do. Of course you do. You weren’t meant to have this. You don’t get the happy ending. Don’t fool yourself. You will rip yourself apart at the seams and no one will put you back together. Not even yourself. You can hold the needle and thread. And you will do nothing. You will always do nothing. Because you never learnt how. You never learnt how to act on your own. Never learnt what it meant to live in the moment. Because you don’t. You never have. You live in the future. There is no present for you when you know what’s coming. You have never made a decision in which you did not know the correct choice. Everything you have done. Has already been done. Predetermined. By you. By god. By the universe. By something. It doesn’t matter.

The point is. You are not you. You have never been you. And you never will. If you don’t learn. But. You were you. Even when you weren’t. Weren’t you? Or at least, you thought you were. There is not much difference at the end of the day. You are not saving the world. It doesn’t matter. The world will not save you. It does not care. The stars don’t look at you and shine. They shine by themselves. It is not about you. But. You know that already. You always have. You chose these paths because it was easier. Because you were scared. Because you are scared. Because you thought it was the right choice. But there is no right choice. There is only choice. It is not right or wrong. You live with the consequences regardless. Right or wrong. So. What makes you scared?

You know the future. You read it. It was read to you. You’ve seen it. Countless times. It is in your every breath. It is in the wind. You listen to it constantly. The sky will always tell you. As will the ground. It is by design. There is nothing you could have done. There is nothing you can do. You will spin yourself in circles like this. Is that your fate? Is that your faith? You know what is to come. No you don’t. Of course you don’t. How can you? You are nothing but human. A mockery of one. But human nonetheless. There is no future.

You have been disillusioned. Delusional. Pick your poison. They taste the same. There is no future. There is no past. There is no you. You will temper with time. You will not succeed. There is nothing for you to do. Nothing for you to see. There is no whisper for you to listen to. No song for you to sing along to. It is you alone. In this universe that doesn’t care for you.

It knows you exist. It knows everyone exists. It does not care. You can see your future. You could see your future. You cannot anymore. It is a mercy. One that was given to you. One that you gave yourself. One that you cursed yourself with. Because. It is a curse. The knowing. And the not knowing. It is a curse. It is a blessing. Two sides of the same coin that has been flipped too many times. You flipped it. You will continue to. You will never get the answers. Not the ones you want. Not the ones you need. It is all you. A grave of your own making.

You dug it. You decorated it. Made it extra comfortable. Because. You will be there for a while. And your time is soon. You know that. You have pushed it. Many times. You have fought death. Despite craving it. Why? Because you knew the future? Because you knew it wouldn’t happen? No. There is no guarantee. There never was. And now. You don’t know the future. It may happen. You have to live with it. You have to die with it.

You cursed yourself. Too see the future. To see a future. There is no future. Not one you know. Now. You have freed yourself from it. Or perhaps. You have cursed yourself more. It does not matter. What is done is done. You took away your own ability. You deafened yourself. To the wind and the ocean and the birds and whatever other metaphor you could find. Make your story pretty. Isn’t that what you wanted? Make your life beautiful. No. that’s not what you wanted. You wanted a beautiful death. You want a beautiful death. You crave it. More than anything in the world. An end, in which, you feel yourself. In which. You made peace with. Earlier. Because you are a coward. You will die before you really do. You have lived before you could experience life.

There is no future. There is no past. There is no you. There is only you. You could scream till your lungs give out. They will come back. So will you. You will live your life in a loop. Forever. You will know no end and no beginning. It is your punishment. One you gave to yourself. One you deserved. One you deserve. Not that it matters. It is your judgement. You are the judge, jury and victim. You would never survive yourself.

You stand by the ocean. You haven’t moved. The sand knows you now. You know it too. Of course you do. You didn’t plan to. Liar. You didn’t plan anything. You didn’t need to. It’s been laid out in front of you. Your path is there. The footsteps are in front of you. You will walk them. Lay them out for the next you. You will not stray the path. No matter how much you are tempted. You cannot. The footsteps are in front of you. They fit perfectly. You will walk this path. Alone. Most of the time. Sometimes not. It doesn’t matter. There is no other path for you to walk.

Your job is to walk it. One foot in front of the other. Do it because it is there. Do it because you are the future. Do it because there is no other choice. Not for this. You can stray the path. Or try to at least. There are vague footprints still. Remnants. You have tried everything. You have tried all the options. This is your fate. This is your faith. You will walk this path. For the next you. It is the only way you will survive. You will walk it for the you that came before yourself. This was their choice. Now you will pick the same one. It has changed, the path, but not the footsteps. Not you. Always you. You would not recognise yourself. But you will trust yourself. You are the guide and the follower. Over and over again.

You are the ocean. You are the wind. You are the waves. You are whatever it takes for you to cope. For you to stay alive. Because you want to. Don’t you? Want it as much as you want to die. You will follow the path even if you can’t see it. Trust yourself. Whichever version of yourself you choose. Trust one of them. Trust someone. Something. There is no other choice anyways. You will not survive yourself.

- C.